Drug Testing

I had 24 hours from the time I was offered the job to go in for a drug test.

I went first thing in the morning, before The Referee went to work. It was quite an eye-opening experience. I figured I would have to pee in a cup, but I had no idea all the precautions they take. Clearly, I lead a sheltered life.

I wrongly thought arriving as early as they opened would mean the process would be quicker. It was not. They were s.l.o.w!

When my name was finally called, I approached the clinic counter and explained that I was there for a pre-employment drug screen. I could clearly see that my name had already been entered in their log book, so they were expecting me.

The lady had me fill out some paperwork. Then, she asked me if I was ready "to go" or did I want some water? It took me a second to process what she was actually asking.

Ready "to go"? I've been sitting her an hour already, I don't plan to leave now that you have finally called my name. Then, it dawned on me that she was using code words for bathroom talk.

So, I asked her to clarify, "this is just a urine test, right?" Yes. Ok, then I am ready.....did I mention I have already been sitting here an hour? My bladder is actually about to bust.

This is a clinical laboratory. Why in the world are they using slang code words for the act of urinating in a cup? Bizarre.

Well, bizarre is just not a strong enough word to describe this experience. I have never been on the wrong side of the law before, so I am just not accustomed to being treated like I am up to no good.

I was instructed to follow a lab tech to a back room. She and I stood outside a bathroom door, where there was a small desk for her to fill out my paperwork. She asked me to leave my belongings there, which was just my purse. She began to explain the process to me, while she was busy setting up the bathroom.

I had to wash my hands in front of the lady. She dumped some blue stuff into the toilet water, which turned it to blue sludge. She told me NOT to flush the toilet at all. She then removed the trash can from the bathroom. She gave me the cup and said that I had to fill it to at least a certain line, so that the temperature strip would register. She said I could NOT wash my hands until after I gave the cup to her! ??? I suppose I should be thankful she didn't have to watch me urinate.

I had no trouble filling the cup, because I was busting to pee, since they took so long to get me in. I really should be an expert at such things, considering my 7 previous pregnancies. I was straddling the toilet, filling my cup, when it occurred to me that she did not say if I could wipe myself when I was done?

As I pondered that, I lost my concentration and peed on my hand. But, couldn't wash. Ick. I decided to wipe....and I wiped my hand while I was at it. I just left the toilet paper in the blue sludge toilet water, so that she had the proof of my actions.

I stepped out of the bathroom and set the cup on the designated mat. I was asked to stand there and observe as she poured the urine from the cup into a designated vial. She closed the vial, and sealed it. I was then asked to initial across the seal strip.

I was concerned right at the point of her handing me an ink pen. I had just splashed urine on the hand I write with, as I was collecting the sample. I have not been permitted to wash yet. What if I am not the only one? Was that pen even clean? Ewe!

I signed my initials.

I got to wash my hands after that.

I watched her clean up the desk area as I was washing my hands. I am fairly certain she wiped down the pen. I hope so.

What a crazy experience. I am not going to dwell on it. I think I am just going to be thankful that she didn't have to watch me "go."