A few years ago, I was suffering with terrible nightmares. After seeing a few images and programs on television about vehicles catching fire at gas stations, evil-doers holding folks hostage at gunpoint, and various home intruder assaults, I was a wreck. The actual details of those events were traumatizing enough, but my internal struggle was a little different. I needed to find the answers to a very important question...
If I ever found myself in such a dangerous situation, which of my children do I try to save first?
I wrestled with this dilemma for months. I could not sleep. I could not let it go. I know firsthand that when tragedy strikes, it is easy to beat yourself up with a whole series of "what if's." What if I had done this instead....could I have prevented the tragedy??? A person can go crazy with the what if's, but a mother can reach a point of never forgiving herself, if it is her child's life at stake.
What if my vehicle caught fire, and I started unstrapping kids to rescue them, but fail to rescue them all before the vehicle explodes? Do I start in the middle row or the back row of the van? Is there a more efficient way to rescue 3, 4, (and now) 5 children? Will I ever be able to forgive myself if my rescue attempt fails any of my children? Will I be able to go on to mother the living children after making such a huge mistake?
I actually completely avoided filling my van up with gasoline in the heat of the day, for many months. I would fill up in the early morning, when I was alone with no children in tow, or else I would ask my husband to gas up the van for me.
My mind raced through scenarios constantly. I mentally practiced unstrapping my children from the vehicle. I mentally practiced words of comfort to my children in a hostage situation. I exhausted myself worrying about this subject. And then I prayed.
I do not believe there is a way to emotionally prepare for a tragedy, but I was able to see the logical solution to my stress. The answer arrived through a comment from a car seat safety inspection station that we attended in the past. Prior to Jersey #2's birth, we took our newly-purchased minivan to the car seat safety event to have the infant car seat properly installed. An off-duty state police officer was there, actively receiving training on properly installing children's car seats. He later told us that he and his wife were expecting their first child, so car seat safety had become a very important topic for him now. He went to great lengths to make sure he was installing our infant car seat to exact specifications. A supervisor from the car seat safety organization was observing his technique, and checking off his work as he followed the checklist.
Our minivan had 2 rows of passenger seats. The middle bench was off-set so that it lined up with the driver's side window seat and the middle seat of the last bench. We had Jersey #1's car seat in the space that placed her in the center of the van. The center is considered the safest seat in the vehicle. As the officer went to put the infant car seat into the van, he had a second thought about moving Jersey #1's car seat over to the window seat. He turned to his supervisor and asked, which seat goes in the center?
The answer to the car seat question has helped me logically organize my tragedy response thoughts....
The most vulnerable child.
Since a newborn is more vulnerable in a car accident than a toddler, the infant car seat was placed in the center space of the van.
When I am pulled in multiple directions in motherhood, it is most logical to prioritize the most vulnerable child first.
Right now, I am emotionally torn. I am getting ready to take Jersey #2 out of state for medical treatment. My other 4 children will be staying with my parents while I am away. My mind races to the possiblities that any of the 4 may end up sick, hurt, or in danger. What if something happens to them while I am away? (I know that my parents will take great care of my children, so that is not the issue....but even in my care, illness and injury can occur....so this is a global concern). Will I fail one of my other children if something terrible happens to them while I am out of state with their sister?
Emotions are important to the quality of my life, but they can also be deceiving. Emotions can make a mother feel inadequate. This is the point where I have to force myself to face the logic of the situation.
I need to be with my most vulnerable child.
If I ever found myself in such a dangerous situation, which of my children do I try to save first?
I wrestled with this dilemma for months. I could not sleep. I could not let it go. I know firsthand that when tragedy strikes, it is easy to beat yourself up with a whole series of "what if's." What if I had done this instead....could I have prevented the tragedy??? A person can go crazy with the what if's, but a mother can reach a point of never forgiving herself, if it is her child's life at stake.
What if my vehicle caught fire, and I started unstrapping kids to rescue them, but fail to rescue them all before the vehicle explodes? Do I start in the middle row or the back row of the van? Is there a more efficient way to rescue 3, 4, (and now) 5 children? Will I ever be able to forgive myself if my rescue attempt fails any of my children? Will I be able to go on to mother the living children after making such a huge mistake?
I actually completely avoided filling my van up with gasoline in the heat of the day, for many months. I would fill up in the early morning, when I was alone with no children in tow, or else I would ask my husband to gas up the van for me.
My mind raced through scenarios constantly. I mentally practiced unstrapping my children from the vehicle. I mentally practiced words of comfort to my children in a hostage situation. I exhausted myself worrying about this subject. And then I prayed.
I do not believe there is a way to emotionally prepare for a tragedy, but I was able to see the logical solution to my stress. The answer arrived through a comment from a car seat safety inspection station that we attended in the past. Prior to Jersey #2's birth, we took our newly-purchased minivan to the car seat safety event to have the infant car seat properly installed. An off-duty state police officer was there, actively receiving training on properly installing children's car seats. He later told us that he and his wife were expecting their first child, so car seat safety had become a very important topic for him now. He went to great lengths to make sure he was installing our infant car seat to exact specifications. A supervisor from the car seat safety organization was observing his technique, and checking off his work as he followed the checklist.
Our minivan had 2 rows of passenger seats. The middle bench was off-set so that it lined up with the driver's side window seat and the middle seat of the last bench. We had Jersey #1's car seat in the space that placed her in the center of the van. The center is considered the safest seat in the vehicle. As the officer went to put the infant car seat into the van, he had a second thought about moving Jersey #1's car seat over to the window seat. He turned to his supervisor and asked, which seat goes in the center?
The answer to the car seat question has helped me logically organize my tragedy response thoughts....
The most vulnerable child.
Since a newborn is more vulnerable in a car accident than a toddler, the infant car seat was placed in the center space of the van.
When I am pulled in multiple directions in motherhood, it is most logical to prioritize the most vulnerable child first.
Right now, I am emotionally torn. I am getting ready to take Jersey #2 out of state for medical treatment. My other 4 children will be staying with my parents while I am away. My mind races to the possiblities that any of the 4 may end up sick, hurt, or in danger. What if something happens to them while I am away? (I know that my parents will take great care of my children, so that is not the issue....but even in my care, illness and injury can occur....so this is a global concern). Will I fail one of my other children if something terrible happens to them while I am out of state with their sister?
Emotions are important to the quality of my life, but they can also be deceiving. Emotions can make a mother feel inadequate. This is the point where I have to force myself to face the logic of the situation.
I need to be with my most vulnerable child.
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