3-years old appears to be the magical age when my severely introverted children blossom into social maturity.
I have absolutely no scientific proof that there is any magic that comes with age 3. This is not universal for all children. Quite the contrary, Jersey #1 was an absolute handful as she was turning 3, and she was a social extrovert right from birth......actually, even in the womb she would wave and smile for the ultrasound camera. At age 3, she was very sassy.
But Jersey #3 and Jersey #4 are VERY introverted. Jersey #3 would enter hysterics if anyone held him other than his parents. It was rather shocking to take a 2-week old baby to church and have him scream if any of the ladies tried to hold him. Stranger anxiety does not usually surface that young. Technically, Jersey #3 did not go through a stranger anxiety stage.....he had stranger repulsion right from the start. He refused attention from anyone else other than his Mom or Dad for the first year of his life. It took him a while to warm up to grandparents. When he was just over a year old, he was drawn to a teen girl at our church, which finally gave us a babysitter! During his 1st birthday party, he went inside the toy playhouse and refused to come out until after most of the guests had left. As a toddler, he would go to his bedroom and take a nap at nap time, even if we had friends over for a play date. To this day, if given the option, he will choose to stay home instead of going out anywhere.
The advice I was given when my severely introverted son was a baby and young toddler, was to continue to bring him to a childcare setting and let him scream at first. I was assured that each time he would improve until he was comfortable. The caregivers at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) were very sweet and experienced, so I listened to their advice.....at first. We tried this for 3 MOPS meetings in a row. He screamed so much during the first meeting, that the meeting was disrupted by so many Moms going to check to see if it was their child who was upset. The Moms who knew it was my son would report back to me about how he was doing and what the caregivers were doing to try to comfort him. I ended up leaving early that day, to go pick him up and end the stress for everyone.
During the 2nd attempt, the caregivers got him to calm down a little by taking him for a stroll outside. This also cut down on the amount of noise indoors. Every time they tried to bring him back inside, he screamed hysterically all over again. He calmed down when he was strolled over to the playground where Jersey #2 was playing with her class. So, they let him play there a while. As soon as he was brought to the nursery again, he started screaming. Once again, I picked him up early. The caregivers informed me that even though he calmed down with his sister, he could not join her class because he was not potty trained. I was beginning to lose faith in their methods, and my gut told me that this was not good for him.
He began screaming as soon as we entered the hallway of the nursery for the 3rd meeting. He knew where we were going, and he was not showing any signs of cooperation in the slightest. Quite the opposite, his hysterics seemed worse, if that is even possible. I kissed him goodbye, handed him over to the caregiver, and went to the meeting. My mind raced through options for how to re-arrange my husband's work schedule so I could still attend MOPS, because I really enjoyed the fellowship with other Moms. I knew there was no way that Jersey #3 was going to warm up to the childcare arrangement. My gut was telling me this was not the way to manage him. Apparently the nursery staff felt the same way, because they decided to just bring him to me within the first hour. They could do nothing with him to get him to calm down, so they threw in the towel. They were out of ideas. Their response only confirmed my thought that conventional wisdom was not working for this kid. He needed something more from me. I was able to attend a few more MOPS meetings without him, on days when my husband could take a morning off work to be home with Jersey #3. After that, I gave up MOPS and stayed home with my son. I gave up Bible study classes, homeschool co-ops, ladies organizations, and everything else that required me to leave Jersey #3 in childcare. I decided that his needs took priority over my needs. That is motherhood.
Jersey #3 continued to grow and develop, while remaining by my side. He learned how to interact with adults and peers in social situations, secure in the knowledge that I was not going anywhere. He had a real comfortable routine going. When he was 3 years old, we decided to stretch him out of his comfort zone a little and nudge him into some higher independence. He was ready. We used gymnastics class for this training. Our family had been going to the same gym for gymnastics classes from the month Jersey #3 was born. He was comfortable with the gym and the staff. He was used to watching his sisters during their classes, and even participating in a parent-tot program with me. The preschool program began at age 3, and the kids attended on their own, with the parents observing from the sidelines. At first, Jersey #3 refused to attend class on his own. The Referee and I sat him down and explained to him that it was time for him to go to "big boy" gymnastics class now that he was 3. We laid out our expectations for how he was suppose to listen to and obey his coach, and participate in the class. We let him mull that information over for a couple days, an then I began the excited talk about how much fun class was going to be in a few days. That did the trick. He ran into the gym and ran right into class and participated the entire time. The coach actually pulled me aside and asked me what I did that changed his attitude so much. I explained that we had come to the conclusion that this was the time to stretch him. If we didn't, then he would become a socially wimpy "Mama's boy." I was confident that I had given him that extra security he needed as an infant and toddler, but he was showing all the skills and abilities to be more socially independent as a preschooler. He just need the boundary and the encouragement, and I was certain his confidence would soar. I was careful to introduce one independent class at a time and let him adjust at his pace. We started with gymnastics, then eased into Awana Cubbies. At first, I remained in his Cubbies class until he was comfortable with the environment. His teachers remarked that he was a completely different child by the end of the program than he was at the beginning. That year of being 3 years old was a time of great social blooming for Jersey #3. Now, he can enter a new class of peers, nearly as independent and confident as his older sisters have always been. He won't bloom into an extrovert like they are, but he has learned how to conduct himself appropriately in social situations. He just prefers to be at home with his family. (He is a lot like his VERY introverted Daddy!)
The trauma that Jersey #3 put me through was great preparation for Jersey #4. She was not content enough to just be with me, she was only content at home! She did not let anyone else hold her, or even look at her for that matter. She would look away if anyone tried to talk to her. She did not smile at anyone but her immediate family. Any time we tried to go out to activities or play dates, we always ended up leaving with Jersey #4 screaming. When she was done, she was done, and she would not calm down until she was back in the comfort of her own home. I had already given up all of my personal endeavors for Jersey #3, so I only had to extend that time away from such things in order to manage Jersey #4. This time around, I had the personal security of knowing that trusting my gut was best. Jersey #3 eventually bloomed, so I was certain that Jersey #4 would too.
A lot of friends and family asked if Jersey #4 even talked when she was approaching 2. She was a chatterbox at home, but did not speak a word in public. She did not smile at anyone. She did not even look at anyone. She ignored the world.....until recently. Starting at age 2 1/2 a light switch flipped somewhere and Jersey #4 gained instant independence. Out of the blue, she started talking to people at church and friends we see every week. Last month, she participated in Awana Puggles on her own, without me in the room with her. A couple weeks ago, she informed me that she did not want me to go to Sunday school class with her. She told me to go to my own class and to sit quiet and no talking during class. This week, she played with the other kids in the nursery at our homeschool co-op and interacted with the other teachers, and didn't need me for anything. She smiled at her teacher during snack time. She told me that when she is 3 she is going to the big girl class at Co-op (speaking of the 3-year old classroom.)
There is just something magical about age 3, for severely introverted children.
Thankfully, Jersey #5 is much more extroverted and social like his oldest sisters. He is almost as socially independent as Jersey #4 already. That is a welcome break for an extreme extrovert like me. I am glad I took the time and care to shelter my two introverts to let them develop social skills at their own pace. But, now, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Bring on the social activities!
I have absolutely no scientific proof that there is any magic that comes with age 3. This is not universal for all children. Quite the contrary, Jersey #1 was an absolute handful as she was turning 3, and she was a social extrovert right from birth......actually, even in the womb she would wave and smile for the ultrasound camera. At age 3, she was very sassy.
But Jersey #3 and Jersey #4 are VERY introverted. Jersey #3 would enter hysterics if anyone held him other than his parents. It was rather shocking to take a 2-week old baby to church and have him scream if any of the ladies tried to hold him. Stranger anxiety does not usually surface that young. Technically, Jersey #3 did not go through a stranger anxiety stage.....he had stranger repulsion right from the start. He refused attention from anyone else other than his Mom or Dad for the first year of his life. It took him a while to warm up to grandparents. When he was just over a year old, he was drawn to a teen girl at our church, which finally gave us a babysitter! During his 1st birthday party, he went inside the toy playhouse and refused to come out until after most of the guests had left. As a toddler, he would go to his bedroom and take a nap at nap time, even if we had friends over for a play date. To this day, if given the option, he will choose to stay home instead of going out anywhere.
The advice I was given when my severely introverted son was a baby and young toddler, was to continue to bring him to a childcare setting and let him scream at first. I was assured that each time he would improve until he was comfortable. The caregivers at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) were very sweet and experienced, so I listened to their advice.....at first. We tried this for 3 MOPS meetings in a row. He screamed so much during the first meeting, that the meeting was disrupted by so many Moms going to check to see if it was their child who was upset. The Moms who knew it was my son would report back to me about how he was doing and what the caregivers were doing to try to comfort him. I ended up leaving early that day, to go pick him up and end the stress for everyone.
During the 2nd attempt, the caregivers got him to calm down a little by taking him for a stroll outside. This also cut down on the amount of noise indoors. Every time they tried to bring him back inside, he screamed hysterically all over again. He calmed down when he was strolled over to the playground where Jersey #2 was playing with her class. So, they let him play there a while. As soon as he was brought to the nursery again, he started screaming. Once again, I picked him up early. The caregivers informed me that even though he calmed down with his sister, he could not join her class because he was not potty trained. I was beginning to lose faith in their methods, and my gut told me that this was not good for him.
He began screaming as soon as we entered the hallway of the nursery for the 3rd meeting. He knew where we were going, and he was not showing any signs of cooperation in the slightest. Quite the opposite, his hysterics seemed worse, if that is even possible. I kissed him goodbye, handed him over to the caregiver, and went to the meeting. My mind raced through options for how to re-arrange my husband's work schedule so I could still attend MOPS, because I really enjoyed the fellowship with other Moms. I knew there was no way that Jersey #3 was going to warm up to the childcare arrangement. My gut was telling me this was not the way to manage him. Apparently the nursery staff felt the same way, because they decided to just bring him to me within the first hour. They could do nothing with him to get him to calm down, so they threw in the towel. They were out of ideas. Their response only confirmed my thought that conventional wisdom was not working for this kid. He needed something more from me. I was able to attend a few more MOPS meetings without him, on days when my husband could take a morning off work to be home with Jersey #3. After that, I gave up MOPS and stayed home with my son. I gave up Bible study classes, homeschool co-ops, ladies organizations, and everything else that required me to leave Jersey #3 in childcare. I decided that his needs took priority over my needs. That is motherhood.
Jersey #3 continued to grow and develop, while remaining by my side. He learned how to interact with adults and peers in social situations, secure in the knowledge that I was not going anywhere. He had a real comfortable routine going. When he was 3 years old, we decided to stretch him out of his comfort zone a little and nudge him into some higher independence. He was ready. We used gymnastics class for this training. Our family had been going to the same gym for gymnastics classes from the month Jersey #3 was born. He was comfortable with the gym and the staff. He was used to watching his sisters during their classes, and even participating in a parent-tot program with me. The preschool program began at age 3, and the kids attended on their own, with the parents observing from the sidelines. At first, Jersey #3 refused to attend class on his own. The Referee and I sat him down and explained to him that it was time for him to go to "big boy" gymnastics class now that he was 3. We laid out our expectations for how he was suppose to listen to and obey his coach, and participate in the class. We let him mull that information over for a couple days, an then I began the excited talk about how much fun class was going to be in a few days. That did the trick. He ran into the gym and ran right into class and participated the entire time. The coach actually pulled me aside and asked me what I did that changed his attitude so much. I explained that we had come to the conclusion that this was the time to stretch him. If we didn't, then he would become a socially wimpy "Mama's boy." I was confident that I had given him that extra security he needed as an infant and toddler, but he was showing all the skills and abilities to be more socially independent as a preschooler. He just need the boundary and the encouragement, and I was certain his confidence would soar. I was careful to introduce one independent class at a time and let him adjust at his pace. We started with gymnastics, then eased into Awana Cubbies. At first, I remained in his Cubbies class until he was comfortable with the environment. His teachers remarked that he was a completely different child by the end of the program than he was at the beginning. That year of being 3 years old was a time of great social blooming for Jersey #3. Now, he can enter a new class of peers, nearly as independent and confident as his older sisters have always been. He won't bloom into an extrovert like they are, but he has learned how to conduct himself appropriately in social situations. He just prefers to be at home with his family. (He is a lot like his VERY introverted Daddy!)
The trauma that Jersey #3 put me through was great preparation for Jersey #4. She was not content enough to just be with me, she was only content at home! She did not let anyone else hold her, or even look at her for that matter. She would look away if anyone tried to talk to her. She did not smile at anyone but her immediate family. Any time we tried to go out to activities or play dates, we always ended up leaving with Jersey #4 screaming. When she was done, she was done, and she would not calm down until she was back in the comfort of her own home. I had already given up all of my personal endeavors for Jersey #3, so I only had to extend that time away from such things in order to manage Jersey #4. This time around, I had the personal security of knowing that trusting my gut was best. Jersey #3 eventually bloomed, so I was certain that Jersey #4 would too.
A lot of friends and family asked if Jersey #4 even talked when she was approaching 2. She was a chatterbox at home, but did not speak a word in public. She did not smile at anyone. She did not even look at anyone. She ignored the world.....until recently. Starting at age 2 1/2 a light switch flipped somewhere and Jersey #4 gained instant independence. Out of the blue, she started talking to people at church and friends we see every week. Last month, she participated in Awana Puggles on her own, without me in the room with her. A couple weeks ago, she informed me that she did not want me to go to Sunday school class with her. She told me to go to my own class and to sit quiet and no talking during class. This week, she played with the other kids in the nursery at our homeschool co-op and interacted with the other teachers, and didn't need me for anything. She smiled at her teacher during snack time. She told me that when she is 3 she is going to the big girl class at Co-op (speaking of the 3-year old classroom.)
There is just something magical about age 3, for severely introverted children.
Thankfully, Jersey #5 is much more extroverted and social like his oldest sisters. He is almost as socially independent as Jersey #4 already. That is a welcome break for an extreme extrovert like me. I am glad I took the time and care to shelter my two introverts to let them develop social skills at their own pace. But, now, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Bring on the social activities!
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