I am 12 weeks along in this pregnancy now. Baby is about the size of a lime.
The weeks seem to be going by much faster this time around. I'm guessing because I am so busy with life.
This first trimester has been full of nausea and exhaustion, so I have been taking things easy. My lack of regular housekeeping is proof that I have been resting much more than usual. I have ordered pizza for dinner more often than I have cooked a meal. At first, I felt guilty. The Referee reminded me....and later I remind myself....that this is only temporary. I tend to be worn out during the first trimester, and this too shall pass.
I feel as though I have come full circle. This pregnancy is filled with so many blessings, that it is easy to enjoy it.
I had to work really hard to accept the fact that Jersey #5 was going to be my last baby. It seemed like a requirement at the time, as The Referee was certain he did not want anymore children. As difficult as it was to accept, I tried to be faithful to the decision. I gave away the baby items as Jersey #5 outgrew them. I told everyone he was our "grand finale." I even tried to accept The Referee's decision to get a vasectomy. I even called to make the appointment for him. (My only requirement was that he not go to a facility that also performed abortions. I could not stomach that at all). I tried to point out all the ways our life was becoming easier, and the joys of having the kids at older, more independent ages. I prayed that God would give me peace with the decision.
My heart's desire was to have more children. I wanted more biological children, and I also want to adopt. I honestly thought I should have been one of the "Quiver-full" women who gladly accepted all the children God gave them, whenever they were blessed, all the way to menopause. I did not acquire peace, so I switched to trying to achieve patience. I prayed that God would change The Referee's heart, so that he would desire more children too. Little by little, I started to see glimpses of promise. First, The Referee asked if I minded if he canceled the vasectomy appointment. He initially suggested it was poor timing with his current workload. I teased him that I would be praying for an "accidental pregnancy" in the meantime. Later, The Referee admitted that he had changed his position on the vasectomy. It was such a big decision, that would affect both our lives, and he did not feel comfortable making the decision one-sided, knowing I did not agree. I think that was one of the most romantic things he has ever told me.
While we were taking Jersey #2 for heart surgery, our perspective on family size changed. I came to realize the burden of 5 births in 6 years.....especially considering all of the health issues, financial strains, and exhaustion we endured. In hind sight, a little spacing might have brought some relief and coping. The Referee came to realize that Fatherhood was deeply important to him. The season of parenting with only a couple kids would have flown by. He actually enjoyed some of the chaos of our circus lifestyle. Although he was not ready to jump into another pregnancy at the time, he was certain our family was not done growing.
I was so excited about this change of heart. I had to be patient, and I am not good at patience. The ups and downs of life and health and career seemed to keep us further from my desires, so my patience was tested. As the dust settled, and our circumstances seemed to be strengthening and stabilizing, I made my case that I no longer wanted to prevent a pregnancy. I was ready to welcome another little one into our family, if God would bless us again. I was not obsessed this time. I was not going to track the ovulation window, or fret during the "2-week wait." I was not going to pine for a baby, and act like I could not function if I did not get pregnant. My goal was to be Quiver-full...to accept God's will for my family size. He may say I was done. He may bless us with more. There is no stress when I know God is in control.
Much to our surprise, our fertility is still quite strong! I used to joke that we were so fertile that I would get pregnant just from our discussions about having another baby. This time around, that joke almost seemed accurate. What a blessing to be welcoming a new baby into our family!
I was excited. The Referee was excited. The kids were excited. Our friends were excited. What a wonderful response to such exciting news. After years of hearing negativity....."why do you keep having kids when you have so many problems during pregnancy?"....."you finally got a boy, so you can be done now"......"you have enough kids already"......"I thought you were done".....it was SO nice to have friends say, "I am happy for you!"
I have such peace with this pregnancy. In the past, I have worried and worried about all the things that can go wrong, including the pain of losing another child. This time, I have finally learned to give it to God....and not take it back again. Taking Jersey #2 for heart surgery was the first time I have truly understood praying for God's will, versus my own wants and desires. I am in the same space with this pregnancy too. I know there are no guarantees. Even reaching 12 weeks does not mean my baby will survive. There are no guarantees in Motherhood, no matter what age our children reach. I have finally learned to focus on the blessing of each day with my children, instead of focusing on the potential for crisis and tragedy. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have finally healed from the pain of the death of my firstborn. To this day, I am able to enjoy the pregnancy, much like I was able to enjoy my first pregnancy. Instead of being naive, I am experienced. But, the joy is JOY!
One of the burdens in our marriage is the way The Referee likes to focus on the strain of the responsibility of many children. He can usually point out more negative thoughts and experiences than he can point out positive ones. With this pregnancy, he gave me a great gift. He shared a story about one of the "fun" parts of pregnancy. He has retold the story publicly, and it makes me smile. One evening a few weeks ago, The Referee and our older children were at Tae Kwon Do class. I had been struggling with some pretty severe nausea. Earlier that day, I bought a chili dog, to settle my stomach. That evening, I texted The Referee a funny-worded text to let him know I would like another chili dog. I said, "hey by the way, there is a drive-thru on your way home, that sells footlong chili dogs with mustard and onions!" He got the hint, and was perfectly willing to stop and get me that chili dog. He had the most fun trying to explain to our older children why it was Ok that Mom made such a strange request. He explained, that was pregnancy. The kids were floored.
"But, Mom doesn't even like onions!"
The Referee laughed as he explained that even though I normally do not eat onions, pregnancy causes strange cravings sometimes. It is easier to just go with it. I did not realize how cravings hit me so much. But, The Referee has some stories. And, he had a blast sharing those stories. How fun to laugh about the quirks of pregnancy!
Learning that there were aspects of our pregnancy experiences that The Referee actually enjoyed, was certainly a pleasant surprise. I also threw us for a loop with a surprise realization of my own. Apparently, I am not a Quiver-full woman. I am not meant to continue growing and birthing babies until menopause. I am very excited to be blessed once more. My heart is now content that this baby should be my last biological baby (I still hope adoption is in my future). I surprised The Referee by telling him that I was comfortable with him pursuing a vasectomy now. I explained that pregnancy is more difficult with age, and I realize I am not fit to continue to be pregnant in my 40's. I also realize that my heart is being turned toward a second career, when my season of Motherhood is done. I accept this and am ready to prepare for it. I am ready to raise these 6 children to the best of my ability, and move forward to the next chapter. I surprised myself. When my friends and I would discuss being "done," I just did not feel "done," and could not relate to the discussions. Now, I understand what feeling "done" actually means. My heart is content.
